Dear Katy.
Thank you for the delicious cakes.
I have always liked coconut and it was very sweet of you to remember this. You must tell me sometime how you manage to keep the sponge so moist. My buns always come out dry and it was a real treat to enjoy your thoughtful gift with a nice cup of tea.
However, I'm afraid our time together must come to an end. It has been a lot of fun, but your energetic lifestyle - the cycling, the Brazilian dancing, the children's choir not only in Hampshire but also in Bristol - is proving too much for me. I am basically a couch potato who likes to stuff his face full of crisps and watch telly all day - the growing sense of your disapproval as I cram in another bagel during The Mentalist (and the way you frown when I call it El Mentalista) is beginning to get to me.
Also, it doesn't help that I am old enough to be your dad. Just.
I will always be there for you, but it can never be as anything more than a friend. I remember how upset you got when the jealous hags on Mumsnet started carping on about you putting grapes on pizza. If I'm honest, I think it's a bit daft too, but I know it meant a lot to you so I respected your choice. I will always respect you - I just can't be with you.
If this is to be the last time that we contact each other, let me bow out by suggesting a recipe to you that you may wish to try out on your infant charges. It's called Chicken Curry Super Noodles.
First you need a packet of Chicken Super Noodles. Bring a pan of water to the boil, add the noodles and then add only half of the flavour/seasoning powder. Roll up the sachet containing the remaining powder in order to maintain freshness for future use. Then open a packet of Curry Super Noodles. Take out the flavour/seasoning sachet but leave in the noodles. Add half of this sachet to the simmering noodles. Roll up the remaining powder and place both half sachets inside the unused noodle packet. There should still be enough sticky left on the packet that you can more or less reseal it - don't worry if it's not perfect, just make sure you eat this second lot of noodles before they go stale. No-one likes that.
If you have prepared the noodles correctly there will be far too much water in the pan. You can impatiently drain off the excess and lose much of the flavour, or boil the damn things to within an inch of their life probably burning them on to the bottom of the pan in the process. Serve with a meat thing and a peas/beans thing.
You see, Katy - I can cook.
Keep rocking the jeans/leggings and boots look - not for my benefit, you understand, but for whoever is truly worthy of your affection. And cakes. When I see you on cBeebies dressed this way I will imagine you as a beautiful shepherdess looking after your flock.
Thank you for caring for this lost sheep.
love (and biscuits)
Vin
ps, more soonliest
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