Not much of a cook - don't know if I mentioned that. No, usually for a meal I limit myself to tins, packets and frozen muck (hey, Mr Cauliflower Cheese Grill! Spin that wheel!). But that's not to say that strict procedures in the preparation of that food are not adhered to (man, that was some crazy double negative jive. I know I should go back and edit it, but this is all about being 'in the moment' so instead of a quick delete, you get a line and a half of me going on about, yes, I'm aware of it.)
The most important of these is that for your tea there must, must, be three things only on your plate.
There should be a meat thing (now, of course I am a vegetarian - not for any ethical reasons. I just hate vegetables and think they should be destroyed. Eat them to death!) which, ideally, should not be meat.
There should be a chips thing.
And there should be a peas/beans thing.
e.g.
I don't want to encourage the meat eaters among you but if you are going to insist on eating flesh then acceptable items for the meat thing are fake veggie sausages, chops (pork or lamb, they're the main ones), burgers, pies, pasties, kiev thingies at a push or probably fish (not sure what the point of fish is, so that's open to debate. (Fish Fingers, naturally, require custard)) Obviously, I would prefer it if you went for vegetable fingers (pronounced 'veg-a-bull' with a silent 't'), cauliflower cheese grill, vegetable grill, individual pizza (not ham), Linda's pie, onion bhaji, veg spring roll or nut cutlety things.
The chip thing is usually chips, but also includes Bachelor's savoury rice, Super Noodles (one half packet, reseal with half sachet of flavour powder safely tucked within for later use), potato waffles, wedges, baked potato (as long as it's microwaved - I'm not waiting an hour for a spud), hash browns or - for the young-at-heart - Smiles.
The peas/beans thing encompasses tins of enhanced beans (tiny sausages), spaghetti (also bolognese), ravioli, sweetcorn, pasta shapes (the Spider-Man ones are really cool).
You can't go far wrong with this formula, but as always to prove the rule there are some exceptions.
Fried eggs can sometimes be used in the peas/beans category but only if they have been duly authorised as eggabeans. This can be achieved by the person making the meal first asking this question of a potential diner: 'Do you want eggabeans with your tea?' The diner may then choose to have egg instead of beans.
The most important variation is Egg and Chips which is the only two item tea allowed.
Ideally this should be made by my Mum. Moreover, to be appreciated correctly it must be only Egg and Chips. People who think sausage, egg and chips or egg, chips and beans are a good idea are instruments of Satan and must be stoned until they recant their unGodly ways.
We're running out of time so we'll have to leave the question of sauce for now (and the phenomenon of 'Sauce Bottle Equalisation' or SBE). Also, those of you wanting to read my opinions on The Toast Cycle will have to be patient. Let's not get carried away here.
More soonliest.
Now, you see being a Red Dwarf type of person, I have to ask, won't there be anyone wanting any toast, now, and not be patient enough to wait for your coverage of toast? Waffles were touched upon, so that might be considered adequate homage to a 'bready product' of sorts.
ReplyDeleteSorry I stand correct, that's potato('e' if you're American vice president) waffles, so they don't count, so again, doesn't anyone want any toast, now?
I can't be a part of this conversation. We would only disagree. :D
ReplyDelete