Chapter 5 - Bottling It Part 3

The Twenty-Seventh of November Two Thousand and Eleven. Sunday.

Horatio had an AA map in his car, one of those big ones that he'd got from a remaindered book shop. With pen and ruler he had drawn a line that showed the direction that the Lodestone had been pointing across the country.

'We need to find somewhere far enough away to draw a second line from, explained Horatio. Assuming the Scrolls are in the north-east of England, Sheffield should do the job quite nicely. We take a reading from the Lodestone there - ' he stabbed Sheffield on the map with his pen, ' - and where the two lines cross should give us the location of the Scrolls.'

'What if the scrolls are not in England?' asked Dan.

'Then we're going to have to move further and further away to get an accurate reading.'

'I hadn't even thought of that,' I said. 'What if they are abroad? I don't know, I just assumed we wouldn't have to fly to get them. We haven't got that sort of money. We haven't got any sort of money!'

'Let's worry about that if and when it becomes necessary,' said Nina. While Horatio had been organising his map, Nina had gone and got changed. She still wore her cape but now it was over a simple plain pink dress. Her hair, freed from the curlers, flowed down to her shoulders. She reminded me of someone but I couldn't put my finger on exactly who. 'First let's get to Sheffield before it gets dark. Find out where we're going and take it from there. Will we get everyone in your car?'

'Should do,' said Horatio. 'There's room for three in the back.'

'I can't go in the back,' announced Dan. 'I get car sick. Sorry, but I do.'

'I wouldn't risk it,' I warned Horatio. 'There's already been trouble with an egg custard today.'

'I'll be fine if I'm in the front,' said Dan. 'I just need plenty of fresh air, that's all.'

'Well go and get some now,' said Horatio. 'I'm not having you be untidy in my car.'

'I'll have a look at the map while I'm at it.' Dan picked up the atlas. 'Let's see what the shortest route is.' Off he went down the stairs.

'Are we prepared for this?' I asked Nina. 'I haven't really had chance to think about what we're doing. I haven't even got a change of clothes.'

'Don't worry, love,' said Nina. 'I've had a look into my crystal ball and I'm confident we won't have too far to go.'

'Cool. I didn't realise you had a crystal ball too,' I said.

'It's just a figure of speech, Carl,' said Nina. 'But I did do a quick Tarot reading, just to get a general idea of what's ahead.'

'And?' I said impatiently.

'There's a good chance it might rain,' said Nina. 'I think we should take our umbrellas.'

'And definitely don't forget the Lodestone,' said Horatio. 'Without it the whole journey will be pointless.'

'That's a point,' I said. 'Where is the Lodestone?'

'I thought you had it,' said Nina. 'You were using it with your map.'

'No,' said Horatio, irritated. 'I gave it back to you when I finished. Where have you put it?'

'I haven't put it anywhere. I didn't have it!'

Horatio put his head in his hands. 'You're always like this. Not thinking of the consequences. “Oh, it'll all work out in the end,” “stop worrying so much.”. That's why we end up with trouble with trolls and the world coming to an end because you can't keep anything tidy!'

It was embarrassing to watch. This argument was obviously about something other than the Lodestone. It reminded me of when Mum and Dad fell out, only there was a bitterness, a hollowness to Nina and Horatio's words. When Mum shouted at Dad she wanted to prove a point. Nina and Horatio were past that. They were just shouting because they were hurt.

'Is this making things better, Horatio? This tantrum? Because all I can see it doing is upsetting me and the kids. For the record, you did not give the Lodestone directly to me.'

Horatio started to reply but was cut off. 'You were there when I put it - !'

'Even if that were the issue,' said Nina, evenly, forcing herself to be calm, 'it won't have disappeared. I have magical alarms all over the place – no-one can get in here without me knowing, and no-one is able to take anything out of here either. The Lodestone must be here somewhere, we just have to look.'

'Sorry, have you been looking for this?' Dan slouched back into the kitchen holding the map and the Lodestone. 'I was just having a proper look at it.'

Nina was puzzled. 'How did you take it out without the alarm going off?' Dan just shrugged.

That wasn't enough for Horatio. He stormed over to Dan and confronted him. 'You moron! Have you any idea how worried we were?' Horatio was about six feet tall and towered over Dan's stooped head. Dan didn't appear at all intimidated though. He simply looked over his glasses and met Dan's gaze. Then he shook his head, almost imperceptibly. Horatio backed down, unexpectedly flustered.

Dan pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose and carried on as if nothing had happened. He put down the map and Lodestone.

'You were right about this thing being powerful,' said Dan. He opened the atlas to the page showing Sheffield. 'I was just looking at the route to Sheffield when, fizz, bang, there was a flash of light and suddenly, mysteriously, a line appeared on the map. Look.'

He pointed to Sheffield and there it was. A line drawn in pen from the city centre to a point off the page to the north.

Nina looked sceptical. 'Really? The Lodestone drew a line on the map?'

'Yep,' said Dan enthusiastically. 'See, it's in green ink. That has to be magic, doesn't it?'

Horatio seized on this opportunity to forget the last few minutes. He tore out the pages of the atlas that the lines from Sheffield and Manchester ran through and laid them out the better to work out where they crossed. In the excitement of discovery everyone else forgot the last few minutes too, and Dan's dubious story wasn't challenged. But I remember a few days later when I used an old carrier bag finding a receipt in the bottom of it. It was for a green pen – from a WH Smith's in Sheffield.

'Hah! I could have guessed, really,' said Nina.

Horatio had carefully extended the original lines onto the overlapping pages and now the point where they crossed could be seen: in the North Sea, off the coast of Northumberland.

'Is that right?' I asked. 'Are they under the sea? Is it sunken treasure?' I knew that would complicate things, but there was part of me that thought if would be pretty cool if it was.

'Oh, it's right, all right,' said Nina. 'Only that's not just sea there. That's where you'll find the Isle of Beep.'

I think it's important at this time to point out that Nina didn't really say “Beep” then. It's just that when she said the name of the island there was an actual beep like they have on the telly when someone's swearing and they want to blot it out. I don't know where the beep came from – it sounded like it was coming from Nina but it was definitely electronic. When she said it again I tried reading her lips, but bizarrely it looked like she was saying “Beep” even though you could tell that wasn't what she was trying to say.

'Sorry, did you just say “the Isle of Beep”?' I asked her. When I said it, I just said the word “Beep”.

'No,' replied Nina, 'I said “the Isle of Beep”. It's a small island that sort of doesn't exist. It's not a famous holiday resort, it's not been popular since Victorian times, you know, bank holiday weekends, that sort of thing. Lots of people didn't used to go there, but with the advent of cheap package deals more don't go to the Costa del Señal Sonora or the like nowadays. Well, you can't guarantee the weather.'

I checked with Amber and Dan. 'She did just say “Isle of Beep”, didn't she?'

Amber nodded. 'Yeah.'

Dan didn't agree though. 'No,' he said, 'it was more like “Isle of Beep”.' Only when he said “Beep”, while it was still all electronicky sounding, it was much, much deeper. Odd.

'Well, whatever it's called, how do we get there if it sort of doesn't exist?' I asked.

'Have you still got your passport?' Nina asked Horatio.

'It's well out of date,' he replied. 'Lapsed about a hundred years ago.'

Horatio and Nina kept dropping these hints about being really, really old but both of them looked about the same age – maybe even a bit younger – than Mum and Dad. It was getting on my nerves a bit so I thought I'd call them out on it.

'There's those photos on the wall downstairs,' I said to Nina. 'All about thirty or forty years old. But you don't look any older now than you do in them. And Horatio keeps going on about stuff a hundred, or three hundred, years ago. Who are you?'

'Do you want to tell them, or shall I?' Horatio asked Nina.

Nina got her jacket – pink, naturally – from the hallway and put it on. 'We're going to have to get passports to the Isle of Beep from the office in Durham,' she said. 'We've got a long ride ahead of us – I'll tell you the story as we go. But for now...'

'For now,' continued Horatio,' all you need to know is that I became immortal over three hundred years ago. That's what happens when a master marries his genie.'

'You're married?' said Amber to Horatio.

'You're a genie?' I said to Nina.

Nina nodded. 'Used to be, at any rate. I've been a palm reader and fortune teller for this last century or so now. My name used to be 'Nina de Bouteille' but over the years people kept calling me 'Booty' and eventually it stuck.'

'I don't get it,' said Amber. 'Are you not together any more?'

Horatio laughed.

'It's a bit more complicated than that,' said Nina. 'Come on, let's get going. I said I'd tell you on the way.'

There was some discussion on the way to Horatio's car about what to do about packing if this quest lark was going to take more than a few days. Amber and I had our overnight bags from when we'd stayed at the hotel with Cabriatti but it was decided that a trip to the shops in the morning before the passport office opened was a good idea. Dan had a rucksack full of stuff with him – don't know when he'd had the chance to pick that up but it was one less thing to worry about.

Horatio's car was in the small chained off car park at the end of the alley that was set aside for the shop owners. There were several cars there but it was easy to tell which one was Horatio's. In the corner space there was a pink Ford Sierra – surrounded by traffic cones.

Horatio stopped short of unlocking the padlock that held the chain across the car park's entrance. He stepped over and took a closer look at his car.

'Who put all these cones here?' he said perplexed. I had half an idea who, but before I could say anything Horatio let out a cry. 'The tires! Some little beep has slashed my tires!' (On this occasion it's me doing the beeping...)

'Horatio,' I called out, 'I'd come away from there if I were you. I think this is the work of demon sisters.'

'Oh really,' he said. 'well they've gone and done it now. Never mind the end of the world. Nobody touches my car and gets away with it.'

'Horatio! Get out of there!' shouted Nina.

'Don't interrupt me when I'm ranting. Eek!'

At last, Horatio had seen what we'd seen. Three of the cones surrounding his car had sprouted legs and claws like bizarre orange plastic crabs. It wasn't much of a jump to work out that those claws had been responsible for the damage to Horatio's tires. If he wasn't out of there quickly they'd be doing something similar to his ankles. Fortunately, he'd got the message and the message had been 'Run!'

The crab cones didn't follow us out of the alley. Their job had been only to scare us off and they'd done that well enough.

'Best not to talk to me right now,' said Horatio. 'Not in a good mood.'

'Never mind that,' I said. 'How are we going to get to there now?'

The thing I hate most about my sister is how smug she gets on the very few occasions when she has something useful to add.

'Let me introduce you to Mr American Express and Mrs Family and Friends Railcard,' she said. She held up her Blackberry. 'The next train to Durham departs from Piccadilly station in twenty-five minutes.'

I was going to say something but then I noticed a figure slumped in a shop doorway opposite.

'Hey, isn't that that troll that was in the shop earlier?' I asked no-one in particular. 'Is he unconscious? It looks like he's been in a fight.'

'It does, doesn't it?' said Dan.

More soonliest.