Rejected Sketch #1

The Thirtieth of September Two Thousand and Eleven. Friday.

Newsjack, the topical comedy show on Radio 4 Extra is in the middle of its fifth series at the moment. They have an open submission policy on gags and sketches and last week I thought I'd have a quick go. Didn't get anywhere mind, but I think there's a smile or two to be had in the sketch I submitted so I'm reproducing it here. Might have another go next week - busy old weekend though with parents visiting and stuff so perhaps not that likely.

Anyhoo, this sketch follows on from the news last week that a satellite was about to crash back down to Earth...

Satellite Sketch

                            

ANNOUNCER: This week saw a decommissioned satellite fall from orbit and re-enter the Earth's atmosphere. There were concerns that debris from it could hit someone on the ground despite reassurances from NASA that this was very unlikely. With space junk on the increase this is likely to become a recurring problem. However, Newsjack can exclusively reveal that initiatives are already in place to get this problem under control.

 

                             On Mr Kelly's doorstep. A door-to-door salesman is offering Mr Kelly the latest satellite TV package...

SALESMAN:      So that's Sports 1 and 2, Movies 1, 2 and 3 and the full range of HD channels. How does that sound?

KELLY:               That's amazing. And I don't have to pay for any of it?

SALESMAN:      Not a penny sir. It's all part of our door-to-door free installation promotion. We're pleased to have this opportunity to come to your house at precisely 53 degrees, 28 minutes North by 2 degrees, 16 minutes and 57 seconds West and showcase the complete extent of our services.

KELLY:               And there's no catch?

SALESMAN:     Yes.

PAUSE

KELLY:               Sorry, just to be absolutely clear, you mean 'yes, there isn't a catch'?

SALESMAN:     There isn't a catch -

KELLY:               Good.

SALESMAN:     No, it's more what we like to call a reciprocity concession.

KELLY:              (sigh) So to qualify for all these obscure channels that I don't really want -

SALESMAN:     You said the Religious Quiz Channel sounded interesting.

KELLY:               I said I can't believe there is a Religious Quiz Channel.

SALESMAN:     Maybe there isn't – I think that's one of the questions they ask.

KELLY:              (impatient) In order to qualify for this deal, what do I have to do?

PAUSE

SALESMAN:     (embarrassed) Let one of our satellites crash on your house.

KELLY:               Excuse me?

SALESMAN:     Our earliest satellites are coming to the end of their working lives and we need to find somewhere safe to dispose of them. As an incentive to potential targets -

KELLY:              Targets!?

SALESMAN:      Potential targets - I'm authorised to offer our best package by way of compensation for (trails off, uncertain) any... damage... (picks up again) Full acceptance of this verbal contract to be signified by the householder saying 'What!?' in a disbelieving voice.

PREGNANT PAUSE

SALESMAN:      I can also accept 'Eh!?' (expectant beat – no response) 'No!' (beat – again, no response) or 'Crustacean!'

BEAT

SALESMAN:       (disappointed) Thought that last one might get a 'What!?' out of you.

KELLY:                I'm not going to fall for it.

SALESMAN:      (sulk) Fine. Whatever. Clever old you. Just don't come crying to me when you find out the new series of Glee has moved to Sky.

KELLY:               What?!

SALESMAN:      (playground style) You're it! No returns! (suddenly adult again) There you go, all sorted. The boys will be round on Friday to install your dish. (beat) Actually, better make that Thursday...

END

More soonliest.