A brief sketch written in 2008. Hope it raises a smile.
THREE STRANDED EXECUTIVES, RJ, DOUG AND CURLY ARE COMING TO THE END OF A MEETING. RJ CLASPS HIS HANDS TOGETHER ENTHUSIASTICALLY.
RJ: So that's settled then. Since we're stuck on this island without a tin opener and Curly here insisted on getting the cheap beans instead of the decent ones with a ring pull we're going to have to find an alternative source of food. I'll be project leader, Doug, Doug is going to be my PA. And you, Curly… Well you… Let's not beat about the bush here: We're going to eat you, Curly.
CURLY: Now hold on RJ. I'd like to question your authority to make policy decisions like that.
RJ: Dougie? Are we going to be able to fit that in at all?
DOUG: You've got a pretend meeting with the bank at ten. It's imaginary architects at eleven. I think we can fit in some brief face time this PM. (LOOKS POINTEDLY AT CURLY) After lunch.
RJ: Excellent! What are we having? (TO CURLY) Only kidding. I know it's you. Said so a minute ago, didn't I? (TO SELF) Probably thought I'd forgotten - easy enough mistake to make.
CURLY: I'm sorry, but you are in no way qualified to say who lives or dies.
RJ: I'm more qualified than you are, sunshine.
CURLY: RJ, that's not the point. You can't just-
RJ BUNDLES A PIECE OF PAPER IN CURLY'S DIRECTION.
RJ: This paper says I can.
CURLY REGARDS THE PAPER SILENTLY.
CURLY: What's this supposed to be?
RJ: This is a photocopy of the sew-on badge I got for passing my B.A.G.A. Gymnastics Award 4. I am the highest ranking officer here, ergo, we do as I say!
DOUG: Hold on a sec. Did you just say 'Award 4'?
RJ: What of it?
DOUG: I've actually got an 'Award 3' - Does that mean I'm supposed to be in charge.
RJ: Er, no.
CURLY: (TO DOUG) Yeah, you're bluffing, man. There's no chance you got all gymnasticated.
DOUG: Oh,I did. I was quite nimble in my day.
RJ: Oh yeah? Then where's your certificate? Where's your sew-on badge? Where's your photocopy of a sew-on badge?
DOUG: I don't have one. It was years ago when I did it, all that stuff could be anywhere. But the fact remains I did do it.
CURLY: I don't believe it. I've never seen you do ten star jumps followed by a forward roll.
DOUG: That doesn't mean I couldn't do it if I wanted to.
RJ: Then do it, then.
DOUG: What?
RJ: Show us your gymnastic prowess. Prove that you should be in charge.
DOUG: All right, I will!
THE THREE OF THEM PAUSE. THEY TURN TO FACE THE AUDIENCE. CURLY TAKES A STEP FORWARD.
CURLY: (ADDRESSING THE AUDIENCE) It is at this point that Doug - (CURLY GESTURES
TOWARD DOUG WHO NODS IN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT) - performs a spectacular succession of jumps and cartwheels, much to the surprise of myself and RJ.
RJ: (HE GIVES A LITTLE WAVE) Hello.
DOUG: (ALSO TO AUDIENCE) Unfortunately, spaced out on an adrenalin high, I attempt an over-ambitious somersault that is doomed to fail. (SLOWLY, HE STARTS TO LIE DOWN ON THE FLOOR) Now, my crumpled body, a rag doll where once there was a man, lies lifeless at the foot of a gnarled coconut tree.
RJ: Hmm, I suppose the sensible thing to do now would be to eat Doug instead.
CURLY: It's what he would have wanted.
DOUG SITS UP ABRUPTLY.
DOUG: No, I wanted us to eat Curly, weren't you paying attention at the beginning? (HE GOES TO LIE DOWN AGAIN, BUT SITS UP WHEN HE REMEMBERS SOMETHING) Hang on, what's this about coconuts?
More soonliest.
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