Naked Exams

The Twenty-Eighth of June Two Thousand and Thirteen. Friday.

I have finally applied for the Level 2 British Sign Language Course, something I have been meaning to do for months. And I am terrified. Oh, the brain pod knows I can do it. But the second - the very second - I clicked the 'confirm' button I could feel my heart rate increase and the muscles in my neck knot themselves up. I still have nightmares where I am due for an exam that I have not revised for even twenty years after the last time I was invigilated. I've never imagined that I was naked in any of them, but I put that in the title because, lets face it, nudity sells. Flabby, forty-four year old nudity.

It's anticipation of that anxiety (yes, you read that right. I worry about becoming anxious - all very meta, I'm sure, but not very helpful) that has stopped me from applying before. Bless 'em, the BSL courses website doesn't make it obvious how to go about continuing your studies (I somehow stumbled through level 1) and I experienced the very same feeling that caused me to stop at the first hurdle last time I thought about applying. But this time I persevered. My reward was a course that has gone up in price since when I should have got on with it, so well done me - my feebleness defined in monetary terms.

So as you can see, I am not a newcomer to the world of stress. But it's not a situation without hope. Whenever I feel overwhelmed I turn to the experts, namely fitness spokesperson, author and model Dr Knox.

He is definitely a doctor - that is definitely a stethoscope.

It was his recommendation the led me to waleshypnosis.com (there is also harleystreetclinic.net but I'll have no truck with that Harley Street crowd after my last face lift went south. Mind you the Virtual Gastric Band sounds tempting...) Apparently this guy was taught by the guy who taught Paul McKenna. A man of many talents a quick shufti through the menu reveals that once you have shed the necessary pounds (of weight/cash/delete as applicable) you can go on and revisit your past lives. Dr Martin is 'open-minded' about this controversial subject. Open minded to the tune of £47 a session).

Of course when I heard Dr Knox talk about 'Whale's Hypnosis' I was very excited. The thought of our cetacean cousins practicing mesmerism excited me greatly. I soon realised my mistake, but my research quickly led me to an altogether more deadly marine hypnotist - the cuttlefish.

All of which turned out to be counter-productive. After watching that I was even more anxious than ever! D'oh!

More soonliest.

LDS

The Twenty-Third of April Two Thousand and Twelve. Monday.

I think my first memory of Leeds is as a boy trainspotter. Oh, I was fearless then. Expeditions to the far flung reaches of West Yorkshire and Merseyside. Apart from the thrill of seeing Inter City 125s in their natural environment (it was all electric in Manchester - although cabbing thyristor controlled loco 87 101 STEPHENSON (and yes, all capitals is important cos all the other 87s had lower case nameplates) at Piccadilly is not to be sniffed at) what I remember most of all is that I'd taken a Pot Noodle (plus ça change) and a flask of hot water but had to ask for a plastic fork from the buffet as I'd forgotten to bring one. It was curry flavour, since you ask.

York is the nearest city to Scarborough and is just under an hour away. Ideal for a post work pop to the comic shop or to see an indie film that won't be on in Scarborough for a bit. But for a proper three shop comic mooch it has to be Leeds.

I've been doing an online British Sign Language course - very handy for someone who works shifts. The tutorials and assessments have taken place over Skype. But the body responsible for the examinations changed the rules so that now you have to meet the tutor in person to be assessed. Since the tutor is based in Bognor Regis this is a bit tricky.

Nevertheless, a grand tour of England was arranged and the nearest the came to Scarborough was - you've guessed it - Leeds. The stage was set for a very pleasant day out.

I didn't want to take any time off work do I asked if I could go in the afternoon. No problem, but this did mean that I was up at 5 and pretty much going on nonstop until the evening. A positive side effect of this was that sleep deprivation, my old friend, worked its magic once again. My mind experienced a near-drunk state of consciousness that eliminated any of the nerves I had been feeling in the run-up.

It all went well - not sure when I get my results but the mood while chatting gave the necessary reassuring signals. In fact, it was pleasing to hold a conversation in (very basic!) sign for a few minutes. I learned the signs for 'Forbidden Planet' and let them know I was off on a hunt through the bargain boxes for 50p comics.

Comics are expensive. There's a huge debate going on right now about their future with the rise of digital throwing the role of bricks and mortar comic shops into question. There aren't that many shops in the UK and the USA has a few clusters in places like New York and Chicago but its size means they're spread pretty thin throughout the rest of the country. As a rule people - and, more importantly, kids - don't buy comics from newsagents any more - these specialist shops are the only outlets. That's why in Scarborough I enjoy buying the reprints you get in the Marvel Collectors' Editions and Clint from WHSmith - it's a bit of a flashback to the days when American style comics were readily available on the high street (that's pretty much the joy of rooting through the bargain boxes - reliving the searches for odd issues from my earliest comic shop visits).

So that's a typical day out in Leeds for me. I love the journey back - music in, reading comics and tucking into my own modest version of Orient Express dining. On this occasion it was a meal deal from Boots - sweet potato flatbread, snack-a-jacks and cream soda. I live like a king!

One last observation about Leeds. It takes about 2.5 hours by bus to reach Scarborough from there by the fabled Yorkshire Coastliner. This leads to queasy passengers, having travelled on their free passes but not realising how long it would take, coming into the railway station and asking how much it would be to go back on the train. Invariably, what little colour they have left in their cheeks drains away when they are told it's £24.90 - 20p more than they would have paid for a day return in Leeds (don't ask...). In fact, the last people I explained this to were deaf, testing my signing and neatly tying up this blog entry.

More soonliest.